Boundaries: The Topic Which We Were Never Taught About

We know “How to set healthy boundaries with people” was never taught in our education system although it is the most important part of life for our self worth and wellbeing. It is very crucial to make people understand what you tolerate and what you will not tolerate. Boundaries are important in any kind of relationship: romantic, familial and friendship. So let’s talk all about boundaries in this post. 

We were not taught how to take care of ourselves and stand up for ourselves. I was kind of a people pleaser, codependent and a person who didn’t like to say no. I have never knew all these years what a boundary is and how important it is to maintain and enforce boundaries until I had some painful experiences which torn me off.

"You are not too nice. You are just too afraid, to say no and honor your boundaries"

If you are a people pleaser, you are going to struggle with boundaries because you  don’t want to say no to people. You fear people might think that you are rude, they might leave you or not like you or they might be disappointed in you or they might or you might view yourself as a person who is not helpful to others or people don’t think that you are good person but the thing is you don’t tell yourself that you are a good person. You want to say yes as you are looking for something like love, approval or  validation. So there is need for you to strike a balance between being a giving person, being a lovely person, being a happy person that wants to help other people, and allowing yourself to say no and also learn how to fill and feed ourselves from the inside as well.

When you are a codependent person you will value yourself less than what you deserve and take others opinions as your own. In turn people will make you feel like your actions are driven by their thoughts and not yours. It is your duty to teach people what you accept and what you don’t. This can be possible only when you recognize your self worth and love yourself unconditionally. 

Self love is a crucial element to set strong and healthy boundaries in relationships. We attract people into our lives who treat us bad, manipulate us and hurt us when we don’t value ourselves. When we do not love ourselves, we become codependent, make people control us and feel guilty for our own actions. You need to make sure that people treat you the way you want to be treated. Some people think that having boundaries means being mean. They just don’t set up boundaries to avoid feeling uncomfortable. Since childhood, we were only taught to give people but no one teaches you to give yourself too. No one teaches that you are important and to put yourselves first. And so people feel guilty to stand up for themselves. But it is important to know how you want to be treated and act accordingly. 

What is a Boundary?

Now you might be wondering what actually a boundary is and how do you know when it is crossed or being violated. 

A boundary is a limit on how much you are going to tolerate on people’s words and actions towards you. It is an invisible line which you don’t want people to cross or violate it. It is a rule you maintain for yourself and want to enforce it in future. You will know when the boundary has been violated when people’s words and actions make you feel frustrated, irritated and filled with anger or sadness. We should let people know what happens if they continue to break those boundaries or cross those invisible lines which for us are disrespectful. 

To know when a boundary has been violated you should know what your standards are. When you want a friend to respect and be honest with you, you should know what that respect or honesty looks like. Because that is what your standards are. You should be able to communicate when that standard is not met or the boundary has been broken. While communicating it is very important to be assertive and come from a calm place rather than to react with ego or anger. It is only possible to come from a calm and loving place when you love yourself. You can probably say “Hey listen, the one that you just said is not acceptable for me and you are not allowed to treat me that way”.

The best thing to do when you meet new people and friends in your life is to state your boundaries: what is acceptable and what is unacceptable as there is no baggage from the past. If they respect your boundaries they will rise up with you or they might drop off. And that is perfectly alright.

The problem arises when the people already in your life cannot accept the new you. They are not used to see you like this and so they might try to test your boundaries and make you feel guilty and manipulate you for setting boundaries. But confidence is the key. Stand up for yourself and keep enforcing your boundaries. People might try to offend you and manipulate you to throw your boundaries away. It is not your problem at all.  It has nothing to do with you and it is their problem if they cannot accept the new you. 

"Your boundaries don't scare the right people away"

Don’t ever take your boundaries for granted, if people don’t respect them, they might drop from your life at a certain point. But you will attract new people in your life who will respect you for having boundaries and will help you lead a boundaried life.

How to communicate your boundaries?

Here is a small example:

When people say: “You are an idiot"

You: “I understand that our thinking doesn’t match and it’s alright. I am not calling you an idiot and you are not allowed to call me an idiot too”.

This makes them think that you respect their opinion too and does not allow that behaviour in future. Sometimes people tend to forget and there is nothing wrong in enforcing your boundary by reminding them. But if they keep repeating the same kind of behaviour, then it is nothing to do with you and these people will eventually drop and that is okay. 

It is important to thank people for respecting your boundaries which in turn helps you in enforcing the boundaries. 

Boundaries you may need 

Rethink the below aspects of your life where you might need to set boundaries 

Emotional:

You feelings are not defined by other people’s feelings, thoughts and moods. You are responsible for your own feelings and not responsible for others feelings. People should not be allowed to dump you with their problems and issues. You are not responsible for the burden of other people think you should feel or how you believe they think you should feel.

Material:

You should maintain a boundary on material things people borrow from you, time limit on when it should be returned and any level of damage which is unacceptable. 

Time / Energy:

What you spend your time and energy on. Like favours you want to do for people and the limits on them.

Mental:

These type of boundaries are easily offended by people: 

• Thoughts 

• Views 

• Opinions and 

• Beliefs 

Everyone has their own point of view on the above topics and no one should be allowed to cross that boundary and offend  you. 

Physical:

Personal space: Limit on who you allow in your personal space or proximity. When people come too close it can be accidental or an attempt to intimidate you. 

Touching: Who can touch you, how they touch you, when and where they touch you. 

Sexual: People should not be allowed to make any sexual comments or any kind of comments related to your physical appearance. 

Key points to remember:

• Boundaries are not to shut people out of your life 

• Don’t be easily offended 

• Don’t worry about being liked 

• People develop respect for you when you set boundaries 

• Law also has an invisible boundary

• Learn to say no 

• Self love is the key 

Boundaries are important to avoid unnecessary depression and emotional trauma. Don’t be okay with breaking your boundaries. However it is all about our self worth and we should never compromise on ourselves for our wellbeing. 

Have you ever found yourself in a sad state and wonder what happened: one major thing can be people crossing your boundary. Think about it and allow yourself to set boundaries and enforce them.  If you have any questions or concerns, let me know in the comment box below.

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